The Life of a Journalist

I've been jotting things down for most of my life.  In middle school, I would sit in my room on the floor and write.  I'm not sure where those notes are now.    It wasn't until college that I intentionally began to keep a journal.  I have in my possession, journals that go back to 1990, my senior year of college.  There may be more somewhere.    I don't remember any particular event that made me journal.  I've always had a lot of ideas so I thought they should be captured in some way. 

Over the years, I have discovered that journaling is a safe space where I can be myself.  Let's face it, we spend a lot of time in environments where we aren't allowed to be 100% authentic.  Most people holding down full-time jobs have learned to fit into the culture of the job.  It is not the place to say and express every emotion that one may feel in a given day.  I may think that my manager is useless and never prepared for a meeting.  But in reality Oh yes, I know you are a very busy person and have a lot on your plate.  I went ahead and brought an extra copy of the agenda for our meeting.  The manager asks if it was sent via email because he/she didn't see it.  Oh yes, it is the same one I sent to you last night.  You probably didn't get to it yet...no worries!   

Even in environments away from our jobs, there is a certain amount of fake-ness going on just to be social.  I'm sure that you have been invited to a party and you are there because you genuinely care about and want to support the person who invited you.  Often times, you are surrounded by people you wouldn't choose to socialize with, but to be social, you will participate in all kinds of conversations.  Oh really, Kim said that to NeNe on The Real Housewives of Atlanta ...say what!    Or... That color is Aubergine!  I thought it was purple.   

One would think that even in a religious or spiritual setting that one could just be themselves.  On second thought, that may be the last place where you would bring your most authentic self.  I've heard pastors say things in the pulpit that were incorrect.  I'm not going to be the one to raise my hand and say, Actually, Pastor...  On that note, years ago, I was dating this guy and he said that the pastor said something like God told him that everybody was to give $20 dollars during the offering.  He stood up and said that either he was lying or God was lying because everybody in here don't have $20!   He was ushered out of the church.  True story.  But that is a good example of what can happen if you say exactly what you want to say when you want to say it.  What I'm really trying to say is that everyone should have a space where they can let it all hang out without fear or repercussion.  A journal is that place.

Although I've consistently kept a journal for at least 21 years, there is no rhyme or reason to it.  I'm very aware of when I need to journal.  I may wake up with a lot of ideas or feel troubled.  I often write when I'm experiencing insomnia.   If I write in the evening or at night it is usually because I want to jot down an experience that happened that day.  When in a relationship I tend to journal about it.  Some things are coded just in case someone should ever read it.  But since I'm not that clever, most people could put two and two together. 

If I'm setting aside time to write, I can be somewhat ritualistic.  Usually it is in the morning and on the weekend.  I get up and brew some coffee, burn a candle and get really comfortable.  I won't turn on the tv or radio or talk on the phone.  I'm in a quiet space.  I don't want my words or expressions to be influenced.  Then, I sit down somewhere and write.  I write about anything and everything.  I can easily write for an hour. 



Journaling is a place where I can investigate my thoughts, actions, behaviors, goals, beliefs and anything else that is a barrier to my authentic self.  I can make this exploration without judgement.  In my journal, I'm learning acceptance - first of myself and then others.  One of my goals in life is to become the person I'm suppose to be.  This isn't about mastering a particular role.  Actors master roles.  Have you ever noticed that when people are asked about what they do or who they are they often talk about themselves in terms of a role?  Journaling is a tool that helps me to live beyond my particular role in society.   I can be authentic and record my journey along the way. 

My current journal.  I always place a good writing pen in it at the last entry.