Dating? What would you like to know? I've been doing it for years -accidentally, intentionally and even ambivalently. Every now and then I'll take a break or hiatus when I get a little wary. I always know when I need to take a break. If I see a man giving me the once over as he passes by and my initial reaction is ...ugh...that might mean its time for a break. But eventually, I will get back on that horse. I'm not one to throw in the towel, and as they say...you gotta play to win. Besides the obvious, I believe that there are other reasons why thou shalt date.
Thou Shalt Know Thyself
A lot of times, there is the tendency to make dating about evaluating the other person. However, this is a great time for self evaluation. When I say self evaluation, I don't mean how to make yourself more attractive or likable to the person of interest. I feel this is covered extensively. Instead, I mean understanding yourself and your own behaviors when dating or when in relationships. Don't worry about his issues, first figure out your own and the things that you may need to work on. At the same time, know your strengths and what qualities you are bringing to the table.
Thou Shalt Know What Thou Want
Some people have a written list of qualities that they want in a mate. I've read that one should have a list. I've also read that you should create a list and then destroy it. Years ago, I did this exercise but that was when I used to create a whole lot of lists anyway. The only problem with lists is that every item on it may not be based on anything solid or even informed. Of course, it also depends on where you are in your life. Recently, a friend that I've known for a long time said Karen, remember when you said you wouldn't marry a man with kids? Actually, I don't, but I probably said it. That was more than 12 years ago. Of course, that seems silly to me now. Most men I meet have children and usually they are not adults. It isn't as much of an issue when dating, but in terms of a long-term committment, one can't ignore child support payments and baby mama drama. Whether or not you have a list or generally know what you want, dating is a way to test it out. Put theory into practice. You may discover that some things may fall off of the list while others may be added.
Thou Shalt Not Listen to the Peanut Gallery
After doing a brief search of the term peanut gallery I discovered something interesting. The term peanut gallery originated from the days of vaudeville. The peanut gallery was the location of the cheapest seats in the theatre. The people who sat there were known to heckle the performer. By definition, these are people whose opinion is irrelevant or insignificant. When dating, many people will express opinions that are irrelevant or insignificant. Some of these people are friends and loved ones. While they may be important to you, they may not be able to relate to or contribute to your dating experience in a meaningful way. Maybe their beliefs about dating are outdated. Maybe they only see you with a certain type of person. Maybe they have a lot of unresolved issues in their own relationships. Maybe they are personally invested in you being married. Even your girlfriends can be kind of tricky when telling them things about someone that you just met. Either they vision you at the altar or they are telling you to run for your life. By the time they finish with their opinions, you would think that you were dating King Kong, The Nutty Professor or Jeffrey Dahmer. And all you said was that his pants were a little high and that he had a strange laugh.
Thou Shalt Learn the Male Species
Men and women are different. While we may care about the same things, how we express that care is quite different which can cause a lot of conflict in relationships. Women often want things done yesterday. Men get it done, but usually before the end of the century. Men tend to think in terms of function. Women also think about function, but also in context and with a whole lot of details. I have discovered that it is true that men really don't like to stop for directions. While it is important to know the man individually, it is very important to know his species and from whence he came.
The first date can be nerve wracking. It can also be fun and exciting. The more first dates you have the easier they become. As a general rule of thumb, I tend not to go out with people that I haven't spoken with a few times at length on the phone. If I am going to leave my house to meet you, there better be some good conversation. Always meet your date at an agreed upon location. A lot of times, the guy will ask me where I want to meet him. Well, since you asked, I will pick a place familiar to me that I like on my side of town. Another thing that I do is meet at a coffee shop instead of a restaurant for a meal. I always keep in mind that if we don't like each other, there is no reason to suffer through an entire meal. My friends often ask whether or not I should expect a man to pay on the first date. That can generally be avoided with this strategy. Fortunately, when there is a second date, the guy usually will pay but it isn't my expectation. I hate when I hear women say, go ahead and go out with him, at least you can get a good meal out of it. I think that is just wrong.
Finally, I would suggest that you raise your expectations - just not in terms of his height. Usually men aren't quite as tall as they claim. Expect to have a good time. If thou expects to have fun, generally, thou wilt.
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