To Die All Alone

Karen, I really don’t want you to die all alone. This is what someone at work has said to me way too many times. Let’s call her Gladys. I’m always stumped when Gladys says this to me. I guess I look stumped because Gladys always adds, I’m serious Karen, I think you are attractive and a very nice lady and I would really hate for you to end up all alone. Oh, that’s better. I feel so much better now.

Gladys and I talk about a number of things at work, including men.  Gladys loves to ask me about my dating life. I would liken it to the way a parent checks in on their child about homework– especially the child that has proven that she does not like homework. I think Gladys wants to keep dating on the forefront of my mind. She’s actually told me that I’m not trying hard enough to meet someone. She says this in a not so jokingly way. She’s sort of laughing but her expression lacks humor. Her eyes are a bit narrowed as she looks me up and down.

Much later in the day, I try to come up with some great one-liners to shut Gladys up. After 2.5 minutes, I give up. I give up because I would rather be doing something else. I give up because I won’t remember that particular one-liner in the moment. There are many one-liners that naturally come to mind in the moment. None of these would be appropriate in a professional setting. Besides, I like Gladys. She isn’t the anti-Christ.

What do people generally mean when they say that they don’t want to die all alone? I’ve never thought about dying alone. I don’t spend much time thinking about dying except when I’m about to board an airplane. Even in the midst of turbulence, I’m pretty resolved that death would be pretty quick. But anyway, I’ve never associated being unmarried with dying alone. Maybe the phrase holds no more value than the words of a dumb donkey.

Dying alone could mean that when I take my very last breath on this earth, I will not have a husband sitting bedside, lovingly looking into my eyes as tears slowly fall from his eyes. If that’s what dying alone means - than most people, regardless of their relationship status, will die alone. If one were to look at the statistics, women outlive men by 5-10 years. This applies throughout the world. This means that most women, throughout the world, will definitely die alone.

Dying alone could mean that I will live the rest of my life without being married or partnered in some way. So, in a weird way, Gladys and others aren’t talking about dying but living alone, especially as I enter the Fall and Winter of my life. I guess this is where the image comes in of a woman alone in a house with a bunch of cats. I’ve never thought that securing a boyfriend, partner or husband was an unattainable feat. However, to be in a healthy, stable, and lasting relationship with two like-minded individuals with similar values…that just might take awhile. I admit it might take some longer than others especially if they aren’t just dying to be married.

And just the other day, several weeks after I started writing about this, Gladys and I were talking. This time, it was actually about work. As I turned to leave her office she says to me, Wait a minute Karen, now just hold up…just what is going on with your dating! This time, I whipped myself around. I leaned over her and with the crazy face said, I know Gladys, I know…you just don’t want me to die all alone! I get it!!! Rather meekly, Gladys says, Well…I’m sorry Karen…I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m sorry. She looked confused.  I gave her one last look.  Regally, I turned and walked out the door.